Following a hard-fought game against the HAC, the Barber brothers – Harry, Will, and Jon (Thurleston) – were flying high as they waltzed out of their office for a well-earned lunch. Reminiscing about their heroic exploits, they somehow found themselves on the wrong side of St Paul’s Cathedral.

You can see all the photos here.

Of all the people to stumble across in a St Paul’s pub, you wouldn’t expect to find Ben Crowder and Simon Allen Clarke (Oil Brokerage). What followed was a bizarre hybrid of West Side Story and the news team brawl from Anchorman as the Thurleston trio squared off against the tanker brokers of OB. The result? Gauntlets were thrown down, markers laid – Tankers vs. Dry Cargo, The HAC 2025 – The Catalina Wine Mixer.

Fast forward a year from the Battle for Middle Earth, and to the surprise of the so-called organiser, Ed Scott-Bowden (Braemar), two teams had actually materialised, featuring many names from the previous year, ready to face off once again.

The location: The Honourable Artillery Club, in the heart of the city, on a gloriously sunny day. Perfect conditions for fast, flowing rugby. However, in the immortal words of Aragorn, “Not on this day.” The game was played at a pace one would expect from 40-odd veterans of the shipping world.

Pre-match admin was, predictably, a shambles, with Ben Goggins (Baltic Exchange) heroically finding an old playing strip at the last minute to avoid the teams resorting to rock, paper, scissors to determine who would play in skins. A gentlemanly warm-up took place, as many watched the HAC set up a bar pitchside and debated whether they were hydrated enough to play at all.

Both teams looked surprisingly sharp in their warm-ups, with many players having played as recently as the same fixture the year before. As the rust began to shake off, lineouts started to function, and back moves took shape.

At 14:00, Jon Barber (Thurleston) kicked off, sending the ball deep into the Tankers’ half. With a clear call of ‘Mine’ completely ignored by Ryan Groves (OB), he ran into Henry Cowls (OB) and knocked it on. The first scrum – a clash of titans, or at least middle-aged men who should know better. Tankers, boasting a heavier pack with some ‘big turkeys’ in the engine room, engaged in a front-row battle for the ages. Old rivals Ben Bates (Braemar) and David Lawrence (Pacific Basin), boasting a combined age alarmingly close to 100, packed down against each other, rolling back the years with a display of brute strength, technical nous, and the occasional wheeze.

At this stage, an honourable mention must go to the contingent from Colchester Rugby Club. Without James, Gavin, James P, Alfie, Steve, and Fraser, the game quite simply wouldn’t have happened. On behalf of the Baltic, gentlemen, we salute you.

The first quarter resembled a heavyweight boxing match – plenty of posturing, but not many punches landed. But this was all part of Dry Cargo’s cunning plan. The second quarter saw them put together some lethal combos, largely thanks to the addition of William Goodwin (Howe Rob), a former Rotherham Titan whose footwork made him look like a young Floyd Mayweather. Dry Cargo surged ahead with quick tries from Goodwin (Howe Rob) and Tom Kingham (Nexus Marine), putting them firmly in the driving seat.

At halftime, Tankers’ captain Brant Palin (OB) delivered a rousing speech – possibly plagiarised from Any Given Sunday – that sparked a resurgence. The centre pairing of Rob Chapman (OMV) and Ben Crowder (OB) demonstrated why they are so feared… by making absolutely zero line breaks and leaving it to the forwards to do the hard work.

Which led to a moment of true sporting drama. Simon Allen Clarke (OB), also known as Chunk, barrelled forward like a rudderless VLCC off a crash ball from Sam Roberts (E.A. Gibsons). Only one obstacle stood between him and the try line: Seb Norris (eagerly seeking employment in shipping, and after this, someone should snap him up). In a David vs. Goliath moment for the ages, Seb took down Chunk at full tilt, saving a certain try. As Dry Cargo celebrated Seb’s heroics, they had a brief lapse in concentration – and Henry Warby (OB) snuck in for a score.

With the match now tied, we entered the final quarter. The benches were exhausted, and those who had taken themselves off for “refreshments” were hastily thrown back on. Jack Mitchell (Braemar) returned to the field, much to the relief of the Tankers team, as he was the only forward capable of being lifted in a lineout. With their set-piece finally functioning, the Tankers asserted dominance up front, ultimately winning a penalty try and sealing the game.

To the immense relief of all involved, the final whistle blew, and the Tankers emerged victorious with a 28-20 win. The game was played in the best of spirits, and both teams did their companies and sectors proud.

Special thanks to Andrew (Drylog), who not only enabled us to play at the HAC but also put in a solid shift in the front row, and to Oliver Hale (AXS) and Andrew Cornish (AXS) for hosting the post-fixture refreshments enjoyed by all 45 players in the Long Room of the HAC.